I am so blessed to breast feed, I keep reading about woman who couldn’t breast feed or who tried it and it wasn’t for them. I get to spend this special time with my daughter skin to skin or just popping out a boob that I truly do treasure. BuT MAN IS IT HARD WHEN THEY CLUSTER FEED! So your nipples hurt, and by hurt I mean they bleed, they scab over, and when baby latches on its not just a pinch its like a clamp. OUCH! And don’t get me started on cluster feeding- it’s a 24/7 attachment to your breasts, literally, it’s a non-stop feed session. My friend recently said this to me “my daughter cluster fed for 3months, your going to have breakdowns, your going to cry, your going to think it never gets better but then it does” my other friend said “I’ve been stuck on the couch for weeks, I literally can’t do anything, I’ve watched everything on netflix” someone online told me “treasure this time because its your special time with her and it goes so fast”
In the midst of this human cow phase where your boobs are not longer sexy but become a human feeding machine, a pacifier when they want to soothe, and a constant bleeding scabby mess you realize how this is so not what you thought the “newborn phase” was. Didn’t someone tell you newborns sleep all the time and have schedules where you can nap and get stuff done when they nap? You stop wearing a bra completely because well whats the point at home when you know your baby is about to latch on in the next 2minutes even though they just fed twice. You worked so hard to not get stretch marks during pregnancy but you’ve come to realize that you are going to have them on your boobs because you can’t use fancy creams you don’t want to use anything with chemicals that baby could smell or touch or taste, you try coconut oil on the whole boob hoping there won’t be marks but then you realize your baby is about to latch on the second after you put on any type of oil or the nipple balms they make. You have accepted the fact that you will take a shower maybe every other day, if you take a shower daily your lucky and you should high 5 yourself if you do! You realize that you really won’t be going back to the gym or yoga studio or salon anytime soon…. you planed on it you pumped a bottle you have grandma ready and then your lil one won’t accept anything except your boob and some mommy cuddle time! It makes you feel very special but its also a bit overwhelming. My daughter literally just wants to be attached to me every second. I bought an app for baby development and it says that “baby views mom and baby as one entity” THIS MAKES SENSE TO ME! My daughter thinks we are still attached and when we are not she is not a happy baby.
Don’t get me wrong I AM IN LOVE WITH MY BABY! I am in love with her crying, her cute lil’ cooing, her cute teradactyl screams, her constant need for me and that I am her everything. I wouldn’t change this for anything but it is hard! You do want to cry a few times and you do sit around thinking who am I at this point in my life? Then you get creative, my Zen is my ergo carrier right now because my baby will actually nurse, fall asleep and I can be hands free.(thank you aunt Jeanie) And my light weight baby jogger because its quick out of the car (thank you aunt Elissa). I take her on walks and we get out as much as possible. I also spend my time reading mommy blogs and advice on breast feeding. What to eat, what to make, how to check the latch and how to not go crazy. I found a way to do baby sit-ups (yes this is a thing) I stretch out when I can because I can’t find an hour to make yoga so I do little yoga session between milk comas. I eat and type now when baby is nursing I found two boppys and pillow stacks very helpful for this, although I have to shamefully admit I have spilled food on her onesies, I even put receiving blankets over her so I don’t and somehow I still manage to, she doesn’t seem to mind though she just keeps getting deeper into her milk comas. Our pediatrician told us that they cluster feed during growth spurts, well I guess our lil’ Adora-dactyl is growing a lot and I am happy for this and for netflix, hulu, HBO now, CBS all access and iPhones (she did gain all her weight back-YIPPIE!)
I realize that this new baby time is precious and priceless and that I should enjoy it because they do grow up so fast she’s already 2weeks old! I cried because at babies r us they had a keepsake box for their little shoes and newborn hats! So trust me moms out there I am not taking this time for granted and I am so in love with my baby, but its hard, and all you moms know what I’m talking about. We’ve had help gosh I can’t imagine if the moms haven’t been here to help, my mom was here 2 weeks and Brendons mom is here now! This new mommy phase is so crazy but no I wouldn’t change my life right now for anything in the world, and I can’t wait to watch my lil’ angel grow up. So when you see me with puffy cry eyes, or bags because I haven’t slept in days, when I have the same outfit on or when I post an insta trying to look like I have it all together don’t judge just know I’m trying to figure it all out too, and experience everything – after all we only live this time in our lives once I will never have a first baby again and I will never get to experience this time again with such a sense of newness and wide eye amazement because after this I will be a pro (ha!) and the first time confusion wondering and constant praying you don’t mess up will seem like a dream. So I’ll take this time like I do everything else in my life and go for it 100% and experience everything I can and really enjoy this part of life also, even when the going gets hard and tiring, I wouldn’t give up this part of life or this part of my journey for anything. OH AND GRAB A LITER OF WATER, SNACKS, YOUR SMART PHONE, A FEW PILLOWS AND GET READY FOR A MARATHON.
mama on the go! 
Wow!!! Don’t forget to nap when you can..
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I remember that time so well even though it was 30 years ago. My son fed so much I told my mom I should just walk around with my boob out. I bled, scabbed over, everything you are going through. Be glad that you know what a special time it is for you and her. For it to shall pass….and you will miss it. Much love to you and your family~
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Your nipples will stop being sore and bleeding soon, I promise!! With my first born it lasted about 2 weeks and with my 2nd it didn’t happen at all. I always tell new nursing moms to try it for a few weeks at least because it does get easier! One day soon she won’t need you as much and you really will wish for those days back. My oldest is 19 and in college. I would give anything to rewind to sleepless nights and sore nipples! :-). Having your baby need you so much can be exhausting. My youngest thought I was her pacifier and wouldn’t take a bottle either. She was sick once and we had to give her pedialite with a medicine dropper because she wouldn’t even take that in a bottle! Every baby is so different. I did everything the same with mine and my oldest never minded a bottle or pacifier and never had nipple confusion. My youngest liked mommy and only mommy! In a few more weeks you and Adora will find a rythum and it will get easier. Don’t feel guilty about feeling overwhelmed at times. Even moms who are totally in love with everything about thier baby will feel that way at some point. It’s normal and we have all been there!
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Your blog is so inspiring. I am expecting my first in 2 months and so this is all very helpful! If a big brother endurance queen finds all this hard I am scared what us ‘regular’ folk can handle it! I am glad nothing came between you and breast feeding your baby 🙂
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Rachel I have been in awe of your strength and determination since BB 12! Which is why you quickly became my favorite BB player of all time. And just an inspiration in general! You have overcome some amazing obstacles that most human beings could never dream of! From being BB 12s most hated. And all of the nasty fans that came along with it. And then back again for 13 regardless of what those fans said. And you proved to the rest of the BB world what myself Brendon and many of your true loyal hard core fans already knew. That your spirit is UNBREAKABLE and you have the heart determination and drive of a warrior! ! A true example and inspiration to so many young women! And not to get off track with the point I am trying to make here….lol….But bottom line you are an amazing person! And sometimes I think we can be our own biggest critics. Especially someone as strong and determined as you! So while your amazing qualities are what makes you so special and a true blessing to this world. And as Adoras beautiful mommy. I’m sure you can also be too hard on yourself! So my point is just relax and realize that it’s ok to have messy hair sore boobs and stinky armpits! ! And it’s ok if that beautiful baby girls outfit gets a Lil food on it. You are still an amazing mother!! And an amazing woman!! And Adora is just as in love with you and this moment in time as you are!! And she is just fine with mommy not being “perfect “!! And becoming overwhelmed or needing a breather does not make you a bad mom or means you love that sweet angel any less!! Or that you are still not cherishing this time with her. It just means your human!! And need a break sometimes! And it’s ok to take one!! I promise you Adora will be just fine. And will benefit more from having a refreshed rested mommy! And in reality taking care of Adoras mommy is still putting her first!
When my daughter was born it was the most amazing time of my life!! Until I got very bad post partum depression. I felt like a failure as a mom and wife. And started to shut down. But the absolute love that I have for my baby girl over powered any negative and I had to buck up and ask for help. My daughter is now 9 yrs old and in my eyes she is perfect! ! And she and I to this day share an unbreakable bond like nothing is have ever had with another human being. And guess what?? I have made tons of mistakes and there have been plenty of bumps along the way. But I am stronger for them. And I have learned that it’s okay to ask for help and to not be so hard on myself. The love we share is unconditional and unbreakable! And I can promise you yourself and your baby girl have and will always have the same! Dirty onsies no showers and all!!
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